Since my last post I have completed assignment 1 and received assignment 2. It's accurate to report that "extremely overwhelmed" was my foremost state of mind. My first assignment was a 69-question multiple choice test on physiology. I was to take the test as a baseline assessment so that my growth can be measured from start to finish of the program. I was not to study or review anything, just simply do my best. I read through the exam only to realize that, while I knew SOMETHING about every question, I rarely knew the something that the question was actually asking. I read all 69 questions, then I logged off for five days before returning to actually take it. Completion only confirmed what I suspected; I don't know all that much and I scored horribly. I find comfort only in the thought that I will learn a great deal over the next year and re-take that test next April with proficiency. I am determined.
A couple of thoughts have raced through my mind in the short time that I've been part of this program. One of them was that all the feelings of anxiety that I experienced as an undergraduate student have returned. My love of school had erased memories of those feelings in the years since I graduated. I had forgotten how much pressure I place on myself to perform at a high level, and how disappointed I become in myself when I do not meet my standards. The urgency of deadlines and the limitation of hours I have in a day, even when decreasing my sleep schedule, is usually what pushes me to my limit. My week was packed with deadlines. Somehow every project I've been involved in at work had some kind of deadline this week. I spent my days in meetings, both during my prep period as well as after school, while I tried my best to juggle coaching in between. By Thursday I caved and called in a sub so that I could stay home and work without disruption. I managed to catch up on my fellowship, but not much else. The stresses of teaching and coaching were still weighing me down, but pressure as a student was relieved for a while. Thursday afternoon I had a phone conference with two people from the lab I will be working in this summer.
4:00 pm Thursday afternoon: I sat at the edge of the pool monitoring my swim team while I discussed my summer plans with my research hosts. I was the only coach that day, so my attention was on full alert as I tried to absorb all of what they were saying while keeping an eye on my varsity athletes. In the last hour leading up to the phone conference my nerves were racing. I wasn't sure what they were going to ask me and I was worried that I would not know answers to their questions; giving them reason to regret this partnership. As it turned out, my concern was quickly replaced with ease. They were very nice, welcoming, and helpful not only about answering all of MY questions but in following up with my living arrangements and other minor details that I still must work out in the next four weeks. Having spoken with two individuals who I will be interacting with on a daily basis this summer, I am now eager to get myself down to Caltech and begin this next adventure!
